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Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Religion

I have found that a lot of people are not very informed on religion. So, I have taken the liberty of compiling a list of most of the major religions in existence. If your religion isn't on this list, then it's not worth believing in.





Christianity

Christianity is the world's oldest religion. It was founded at the beginning of time around 5000 years ago after Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny defeated the dinosaurs in the most epic battle ever to take place on Earth. Every year the people celebrate the birthdays of these two messiahs by giving each other presents and chocolate bunnies. The main philosophy of the Christian religion is "an eye (or maybe even two eyes) for an eye" This would explain why they support the death penalty. Some other Christian practices include:

-Screwing your neighbor
-Promiscuous Gay Sex
-Building Nations
-and Making people cry on live television

Christianity has a strict hierarchical system for their divinity that is based on child molested.

Deacon:

Deacons are at the bottom of the pack. They have only had impure thoughts, but haven't acted upon them.

Priest:

Priests have reached third base, but they are still virgins. They haven't worked up the courage to call the pretty one into the rectory yet.

Bishop:

Do you lose your virginity even if it never went off?

Archbishop:

archbishops are not virgins, but they aren't very experienced. There are a lot of mishaps and a lot of "owe! Don't do that!"s when the archbishops do their job.

Cardinal:

Cardinals are the cream of the crop. They can have multiple relationships at once and not even mess up. They are experienced and confident.

The Pope:







Islam:

Islam began on February 25, 1964 when Muhammad Ali knocked out Sonny listen and gained the title of King of the World. It ended in 1982 when Ali was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease in 1982. In its 18 years, though, it was a very popular religion. Some practices of this religion include:

-Praying 5 times a day while facing the Holy City of Louisville, Kentucky: Ali's birthplace.
-Holding Hands
-and Crashing Planes into Buildings


An interesting fact about followers of Islam is that they communicate by shrieking. This shrieks, or ululations, are not only a secret language, but they also can brainwash non-muslims. Since the Islam religion ended in 1982 you don't have too much to worry about, but there are still many Muslims left in the world. I have heard many horror stories of people being brainwashed into liking Kelly Clarkson and Good Charlotte.

Judaism

Judaism started in the year 2004 shortly after the movie Passion of the Christ came out. The Jews are an angry group of people who killed Mel Gibson because they were jealous of his good looks. They pretty much copied the Christians, but there are two major differences:





  1. The Jews are descendants of the people who were on the side of the dinosaurs during the most epic battle to take place on Earth. So, they don't celebrate the birthday of Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.
  2. The Jews would lose to the Christians in a Bible fight because the Jewish Bible sucks.

From the beginning of their religion, everyone has picked on the Jews because of their small Bible. They have been chased around the globe by an angry mob of Christians throwing bigger and better Bibles at them. They can't find a safe home. During the Biblecaust 6 million Jews died of Bible related injuries.


Buddhism

Buddhism is a religion that was founded by Siddhartha Gautama, or Buddha. One day Sid was at the local stripclub with his friends and they decided to have a contest to see who could eat the most food. So, long story short, Sid was the last person to vomit and thus we have Buddhism's catch phrase: "Be like Buddha; eat a lot of fooda!"

Buddhism has two main teachings:

-The Four Noble Truths
- and The Eightfold Path (It was going to be Tenfold, but Buddha got winded and had to sit down)

The Four Noble Truths are:



  1. Life is full of hunger.
  2. The cause of this hunger is ignorance.
  3. There is an end of hunger, it is called Fullness.
  4. The way to end hunger is to follow the Eightfold Path

The Eightfold Path is:

  1. Understand your food.
  2. Think about what food you want.
  3. Speak to your food.
  4. Act in a manner to obtain your food.
  5. Eat food that will keep your livelihood up.
  6. Put some effort into making good food.
  7. Be mindful about what you eat.
  8. Concentrate when the food you ate comes back out.

If you follow these teachings, then you can become full like Buddha. If you are having trouble staying on the path, there is a Taco Bell right next to Step #2.


Hinduism

Hindus are a peaceful people that live entirely off of the cow. They do this because according to their religion, cows are an evil animal that are slowly trying to take over humans. If they see a cow then they kill it, rape it, and eat it raw. That is the only way to make sure that it won't rise from the dead as a zombie cow. They save the cow's genitals, though, and those are used in the annual Cow Genital Fight. This is much like a food fight, except with cow genitals. However, if someone throws cow genitals at you and you catch them, then that person is your slave.

According to Hinduism, there are four objectives to life:


  1. To pleasure thyself as much as possible
  2. To get as much wealth as you can
  3. To get revenge on anyone that has ever wronged you
  4. and, To go to heaven and win the arm wrestling tournament that all the Gods participate in.

That's about all there is to Hinduism...

Scientology

Scientology is probably the most credible and believable religion ever made. It was definitely NOT made on a bet by L Ron Hubbard in 1952. It is definitely NOT a cult. It definitely is a NON-profit organization. They definitely did NOT blackmail the IRS into making it so they didn't have to pay taxes.

Scientologists have categorically proven that Psychology and Psychiatry KILL PEOPLE! ALL PSYCHOLOGISTS AND PSYCHIATRISTS ARE MURDERERS!!! The psychiatrists and psychologists are responsible for World War I, Hitler and Stalin's reign, lack of education of students in the US, wars in Bosnia and Kosovo, 9/11, world hunger, the Backstreet Boys, and the Apocalypse.

Please don't sue me.


Alcoholism

Alcoholism is probably the second oldest religion. After all the dinosaurs died there was an enormous party. There was a big split in the Christian religion between those who just wanted to keep partying and the pussies. The Alcoholists have monthly meetings where they brag about how drunk they got. Alcoholists have a few different practices including:

  1. Puking
  2. Blacking out
  3. and, Drunken Sex

Alcoholism is actually compatible with the next religion.


Fatism

Fatism is a religion that is closely related to Buddhism, however Fatists do not follow the Eightfold Path. They take this religion to the max by eating whatever they can get their hands on. Fatism is actually the most abundant religion in the United States. They have several different sects including: McDonaldism, Burger Monarchism, Arbyism, and many more. This religion involves lots of couchsitting. They have one God who is pictured below:


Atheist

Atheists are just too afraid to believe in something. They suck.

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