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Saturday, December 17, 2005

A Cleansing of Society... Why, That Could Be Fun!!

I just recently watched Hotel Rwanda and I have to say that I am mighty impressed. Those Hutus really know how to exterminate an unwanted group of ethnic cockroaches!! Seriously, they killed almost a million Tutsis in like 4 months. That is impressive.

This movie also got me thinking. The cure for all of America's problems is genocide. Look how well it worked out for Germany! They had an ethnic cleansing and now they are hosting World Cup 2006! So, lets quit wasting time and get this cleansing started. Gregory Stanton, of Genocide Watch, has graciously provided an 8-step plan for a Do-It-Yourself Genocide (and other forms of mass-murder).

Step 1: Classification

In this step we must decide who we are going to cleanse out of society. We need a group of people that are different from the rest of us. We can't use religion; that's been used too many times. We can't use ethnicity either because we've got too many of them. Political ideologies are out too; the major ones are too big and the others are too small. Hmmm.... How about fat people?? They are always eating all of our food and being annoying. Plus, the whole world makes fun of America for being so morbidly obese.

Gregory Stanton says that the main focus of this step is to divide the nation into "us and them," with "them" being the fat people. For this particular genocide, classification is relatively easy because of the visual difference. Everyone can see who the fat people are right away. This gives us an advantage compared to other genocides, like the Holocaust, where people could pretend not to be "them."

Stanton also warns us of detriments to be careful of. He says to be aware of "universalistic institutions that transcend... divisions." These institutions will wipe out that feeling of "us and them." So, make sure to annihilate any of these. Now we are ready for step 2.

Step 2: Symbolization

In this step symbols are forced upon the group of people and also hate speeches would be given. For example, in the Holocaust Jews were forced to wear yellow stars of David. For our cleansing, I believe that this would be a good symbol:

Step 3: Dehumanization

This is an important step because, as Stanton states, "Dehumanization overcomes the normal human revulsion against murder." If we make people feel like fat people aren't human, than killing a fat person isn't murder. A good way to do this is to nickname the group that you are cleansing out of society. In Hotel Rwanda the Tutsis were called cockroaches. This nickname worked wonders in their cleansing. It was catchy. It just rolled off your tongue. Tutsi Cockroaches. We need something similar for our cleansing. How about Lardass Pigs. It's not quite as catchy, but it will do.

Step 4: Organization

This is the biggest step: the leap from talking the talk to walking the walk. If we are going to cleanse the nation of these Lardass Pigs then we need to mobilize. We need an armed militia with an awesome name like the Bacon Eaters. It sounds good and it's also symbolic. We need to start training camps and infiltrate the highest ranks of the government.

We're halfway there. We have almost cleansed the fat outta this nation.

Step 5: Polarization

In this step we have to make sure we have everyone on our side. We have to further the dehumanization in step 3. We have to create a divide between those Lardass Pigs and the rest of the people. The best way to do this is through propaganda and hate speeches. Tell people that the reason the world hates the US is because the Lardass Pigs give us a bad name. Blame everything on the fatties. Gas prices, pollution, terrorists, death, Hurricane Katrina, Carrot Top, everything is the fault of those Lardass Pigs.

This step is best achieved through mass-communication efforts like television and radio shows, but word of mouth can work well too. Once we are this far it's almost impossible to stop us. Start the fire cause we're going have pork chops!

Step 6: Identification

We are organized now and we have the support of the government. Efficiency is the most important part of the game now. The Lardass Pigs are all wearing their Golden Arches, so they are easy to spot. Well, I guess they were easy to spot in the first place. Now, we have to move them all to central locations, "Weightloss Camps" if you will. We play it safe and make these camps seem like the real deal for a while and when they least expect it, we start.

Step 7: Extermination

Exterminate them quickly and quietly. There are several ways that range from gas and ovens, to drowning. You can even force them to kill themselves. Be creative! "My favorite form of extermination includes a bull, whipped cream, and a pair of tweezers!" says Gregory Stanton, "I don't think I have to explain to you what to do with those!!"

Step 8: Denial

I don't know what you are talking about. Those people died of obesity. Really, they did. No, those are not charred corpses. They are... uhh... left overs. Their leftovers from a barbecue; I guess I cooked too many well-done steaks. See I will even have a bite! MMMMMMM! Yummmy!

So, there you have it. The 8-Step plan to having your own genocide. If we hurry, then we might be able to host World Cup 2014!


Anonymous Jeff Andre said...

Wow man, I hope I am not fat enough to be a lardass pig...I mean, I do weigh 240, but I like to think that is because I am 6'1'' and have a large amount of muscle. Anyway, it was quite amussing son, keep it up.

8:24 PM  

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