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Sunday, January 01, 2006

The Number 1

Today's post is brought to you by the number 1. This is because (at the time of this writing) my site is the number one site to come up on Google if you search cow genitals. How cool is that? And that is out of 315,000 results! I don't know about you, but that simply amazes me. Speaking of cow genitals, that brings me to my next point: Torture.

Recently there has been a lot of talk about the usage of torture by the United States government and I was somewhat surprised by what I heard. In fact, you might say that I was shocked. In fact, you might say that, while sitting on my couch, I had a bowel movement of such great force, that my trousers were blown clear across the room and landed in a soupy, green heap. The atrocity that is being committed before our very eyes seems to be invisible to the American public. I intend to put a stop to it and to help people realize the abusive actions that are happening.

Firstly, though, I would like to mention that I am by no means one of those Ted Kennedys of the nation; one of those hardcore liberal flipfloppers. I cannot begin to express my contempt for those flipflopping, flapjacking peacemongers. For some reason, they seem to believe that the populace should be privy to what the government does and (I feel another case of explosive diarrhea coming on just mentioning it.) that the President should have to answer to somebody. The Ted Kennedys and John Kerrys of the nation believe that the other, more inferior, arms of the government can tell the President what to do! They believe that these other branches know what is best for our Commander-in-Chief more than he does! You will not find that holier-than-thou attitude over here in the Born Again Christian Republican camp. No Siree!

Now, with that out of the way, I would like to get back to the matter at hand: the atrocity that is being committed before our very eyes. This atrocity I am talking about is showing itself through the guise of torture, but there are many other forms it shows it self in too. These include the Abu Gharib scandal, going to war on false pretenses, and "Bushisms." I know most of you are saying, "What is this atrocity that you speak of? I mean, I can see the 'Bushisms' one, but I don't see how any of the others could be linked to an atrocity." I know at first this list seems to be made up of mostly non-atrocities, but please, read on. Right now, I know what you need more than you do and what you need is a little patience.

Now, in order to understand my point, you must look past each incident and to a unifying characteristic. This characteristic is the root of the actual atrocity. This characteristic is so huge that nobody can see it:

You; me; everybody knows all about these events!

What use to us is a secret torture prison is it is not a secret? How fun is a secret naked pyramid of POWs if we cannot enjoy it with some privacy?? How do we take any oil from Iraq with no one noticing if everyone knows that there were no WMDs or terrorists??? And lastly, how can we hide from the world the fact that we elected an inarticulate, former-cocaine-abusing mongoloid to the highest office in our land TWICE if we allow people to know of his inability to speak????

Now you see the immensity of the problem we have in our nation: We know too much information. This problem, at first, seems unfixable. How would one go about getting rid of information? This is tricky because information is so readily available in our society. We do not have the privilege of living in an oppressive oligarchical society. Oh, how nice it would be to live in such a place. For, then the government could operate efficiently and effectively. But, there is a way we could combat this atrocity.

Who gives out the information to the populace? The media. The media is endangering the American people and government by giving out information willy nilly. In America, we have a democracy. That's a government of the people, by the people, and for the people; and the media is impeding upon the efficiency of this government. Abraham Lincoln must be spinning in his grave! In order to protect the rights of the American people we must destroy the media.

Think about it. If the government is made up "of the people" and "the people" have a constitutional right to privacy due to the necessary and proper clause of the Constitution, then the government itself has a right to privacy. Thus, the media is in direct violation of the constitution. This is why we must get rid of the press. But, we can't stop there. Information can be transferred by other means than the media. We mustn't allow it to do so. People can talk to other people about the government and word of mouth can spread fast. So, of course, we must make it illegal for one to speak out against the government. I know you are all saying, "That sounds like a great idea on paper, but how on Earth can you enforce that???" I am a step ahead of you! I know we can't make it so nobody says anything about the government, but we can cut down on their ability to spread their word. It's simple. All we have to do is to declare it illegal to gather in groups of more than 3 without special permission from the President himself. This way, nobody can interfere with what our excellent executive does.

We can torture.

We can have naked pyramids of POWs.

We can have oil.

We can have a mongoloid for our President.

So, there you go. Hopefully soon, my message will be spread through the greatness that is the internet and we will be able to enjoy our rights once again. Remember, if the media survives, the terrorists win! And just to be sure that I am not dethroned...

cow genitals
cow genitals
cow genitals
cow genitals
cow genitals
cow genitals
cow genitals
cow genitals
cow genitals
cow genitals
cow genitals
cow genitals
cow genitals
cow genitals

Now I should be safe for a while!


Blogger Chuck Williams said...

You aren't even on the front page for cow genitals. :)

However, my blog, is, according to Technorati, the #1 authority on "busty".

Check it out. It will be a "titilating" experience.

Ha. I'm funny.

4:55 PM  
Blogger thosegoldfishes said...

I am so number 1!

I just checked!

4:56 PM  
Anonymous JollyRoger said...

Hear, hear! It's a wonder anybody can get anything done with all the information that is floating around out there!

This fine work of bovine genitalia has earned itself a place in the Reconstitution Blogroll.

8:06 PM  
Blogger Ryan Mc said...

Yea, lets trade links. I just put you on.

9:19 PM  
Anonymous Neil said...


Looks like you have a good start here. Keep up the content and you will go far. I have placed you on the Blogroll over at The Modern Guy.


The Modern Guy
Film School Rejects

2:32 AM  
Blogger Ryan Mc said...

You should join the truth laid bear ecosystem, it will help you get more traffic. On the bottom of my page you will see a link for it.

3:12 PM  
Blogger Leon said...

Good for you, but being known for "cow genitals" is kinda sad. Anyway thanks for commenting on my blog. Yours is good. I like your writing style, but your posts are like essays man.

5:37 PM  

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