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Saturday, March 04, 2006

Oh, Canada... Why doth thou sucketh so?

What do you think of when you hear the name "Canada?" I will tell you what I think of when I hear "Canada:"

A freezing cesspool of nothingness.

Honestly. All Canada is is one giant uninhabited wasteland. Trust me; I know. I live about 15 minutes away from the border. I go up there every once in a while and it's all snow and polar bears as far as the eye can see. Nothing else. There is the occasional eskimo who lives in his igloo, but other than that there is no sign of human habitation anywhere. No roads. No buildings. No McDonalds. I don't think that there has ever been a country that has sucked as bad as Canada.

Do you know how I know Canada sucks? Because Britain just gave them their independance. There wasn't a fight or an argument or even a bloodless coup. Britain just gave them away because Canada had no use. The worst part is that Canada didn't become fully independant until 1982 and it took them over 120 years to get there. How sad is that? Canada is like the 35 year old man who still lives with his mother: "Mommy! Can you govern my people for me?? I want to sit on the couch and watch my soap operas!"

You know why Britain didn't want Canada? Because it is beyond cold there. If you think it gets cold where you live, then you are sorely mistaken. I live like 15 minutes from Canada and it gets pretty cold here, but once you cross the border, the temperature drops about 50 extra degrees. There is a simple reason for this phenomena: Canada thinks she is cool because she doesn't participate in the Global Warming trend. She's like, "Save the environment!" and, "Go Kyoto Protocol!" You know what Canada? You can't pull off that I-am-cool-because-I-don't-conform attitude. It just makes you look like a bunch of hippie freaks. You should probably go pump some carbon dioxide into the air and destroy some forests now if you want to salvage your image.

Also, did you ever notice that Canada and Communism both begin with the letter "C"? It's not any mere coincidence. What is this unified health care bull shit? That sounds pretty fishy to me. What's next? No currency? 5 year plans? I know that unified health care is a socialist aspect, but I still don't trust it because it goes against nature. Unified health care pretty much destroys the good old American concept of Social Darwinism that has worked magnificently for us. Except for you Indians and Blacks. And Women. And pretty much all non-white, non-males. So, yeah. Social Darwinism has worked wonders for the white American male. Oh wait, except for those of you in economically underprivileged areas, but I swear that's it. It's been a great 230 years for you rich, white, American males and I don't want those Communist Canadians to take that away!

Further more, Canada, the second largest nation in the world, is not pulling it's weight in the War on Terror. They only have like a thousand troops, maximum, fighting in this war. That's it! Canada owes us more than a thousand troops. We are like their big brother. We protect them from everyone. When a nation picks on Canada behind their back, we give that nation a metaphorical bitchslap. Canada should pass a law that requires everyone of it's citizens to serve 10 years in our military. Not only would that help us win the war on terror, but it would also make Canada a little less of nation full of pansies. Wait, no. On second thought, it would just help with the war effort.

There are really only two good things that have ever come from Canada. Ever. Those are hockey and music. Hockey doesn't count, though, because the Americans are better at it than the Canadians. Plus, I am pretty sure that Canada invented hockey by accident. I think some eskimo was using a stick to balance himself on an ice-patch and accidently hit a rock into his igloo. That's how hockey started. Music doesn't count either because since it's so cold up there, pretty much all there is to do is play music. In fact, there should be even more good music that comes from Canada since it is so cold. But once again Canada just can't keep up.

Lastly, I would like to point out that I am the only person ever to make fun of Canada without making an "Eh?" reference. Pretty cool, eh?


Blogger Dr.John said...

It's good to see you picking on Canada instead of the Vice President. However, you don't get a lot of points because Canada like the Vice President is too easy a target. They will , howeverm get better now that they have a conservative government.

10:09 AM  
Blogger Dr.John said...

Woops! From your pespective they will be an easier target now that they have a conservative government. I forgot for a moment your unique perspective on the world. Sorry.

1:49 PM  
Blogger Dr.John said...

You mean you were just using poor liitle old Canada to attack the mean old U.S. and the Busch administration. Gee, I should have seen that. But then I'm right . The new conservative government will make Canada a target for your sharp barbs. Did I get right yet?

2:22 PM  
Blogger thosegoldfishes said...

I have no problem with Canada's government. I don't care if they are conservative.

For that matter, I don't care if the US government is conservative or not. I am not sure, but I believe Dwight Eisenhower was a pretty conservative president and I think he was great.

What I have a problem with (these are the people I target with my "sharp barbs" as you call them) are stupid people who screw our nation up and give us a bad image to the world.

If Canada starts doing dumb things, then I will make fun of them for it. Until then, I have plenty of material for the next couple years.

Also, I get a lot of flak for not proofreading my comments. So, I will not tell you that you made yourself look like a 4th grader when you wrote that last comment.

But, you really did make yourself look like a 4th grader when you wrote that last comment. I know they say, "You are what you eat," but our President is not a beer no matter how many he has consumed over his lifetime.

2:43 PM  
Blogger Dr.John said...

Good shot. Now I'm the target. I never can get that spelling stuff straight. I alternate between Bush and Busch on a regular basis. Can't proof read either worth a darn. I see a number of mistakes I made in the comments. Second grader might have done better.
You are a good writer with a nice gift for words. Sometimes satire allows the reader to miss the point.
Glad you have enough stupid targets for a couple of years.

3:08 PM  
Blogger JB said...

dude, this is so hilarious. so unapologetically mean, and so fucking funny. can you do Japan next time?

11:35 PM  
Blogger affirmedconsequent said...

you're just too eager to sound like maddox or something. that wasn't even a real hate mail. try to be a little more down to earth.

6:24 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And where would thou be without CANADIAN OIL?? (Kissing Sadam's ass for more I suspect) Coming soon to commodities needed by you: CANADIAN WATER. Don't forget we also have all the URANIUM. By the way we talked our way into independence from Britan, that's how we do things here eh? No shots fired and everthing gained. Glad you're gone dude.

12:45 PM  
Anonymous meesle said...

hah well i live in canada and im pretty sure that its not igloos and esimoes up from the border. seriously it rocks up here. exept for god damn manitoba. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT goes on in manitoba. never have never will. Oh but it was a funny blog nontheless :D

4:09 PM  
Anonymous Kaiomi said...

Gah, you're so sarcastic and I love it! I'm sorry that some of your readers can't appreciate your writing and humour.

But, if everyone got your point, there would be no ignorant people to laugh at, eh?

(DAMN... almost made it through a comment without saying 'eh'. Crafty Americans.)

Anyways, keep up the good work ^^ I really enjoy your writing.

- Hippy socialist from Canadia

12:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Congratulations for the effort put into this essay, but on the humour side it's a bit low.

I don't know what in it made laugh people, you pretty much just made fun of stereotypes everyone can use.

What would've been really funny is twisted funny facts... but again, facts. Not just saying "yeh, it's fucking cold, like -60 or something."

12:34 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

ha...nice blog. not all that funny, but still some good points. however i live in Canada and no, it is not all snow and igloos. i have never even seen an igloo. or an eskimo. i don't think most people here have. well, nice try...

6:57 PM  
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3:52 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

you know whats funny? i would rather live in a FUCKING IGLOO IN FUCKING YUKON, than be a fat-ass, racist, dumb-for-nothing American. And you know, i get it, it's supposed to be satire..or some shitty attempt anyways. but first write crap about your own country before you point fingers. Vancouver Olympics flashback anyone??? Canadian men's hockey= GOLD, Canadian WOMEN"S hockey= GOLD GOD DAMMIT!! and economy wise....who is getting their fat asses bailed out?? WOOOOW, Apple inc. has MORE money than the united states treasury. Americans= PATHETIC

so you know what, just deal with it. and don't bother coming to Canada...we can smell failure from a mile away.

12:28 AM  

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