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Saturday, March 04, 2006

Oh, Canada... Why doth thou sucketh so?

What do you think of when you hear the name "Canada?" I will tell you what I think of when I hear "Canada:"

A freezing cesspool of nothingness.

Honestly. All Canada is is one giant uninhabited wasteland. Trust me; I know. I live about 15 minutes away from the border. I go up there every once in a while and it's all snow and polar bears as far as the eye can see. Nothing else. There is the occasional eskimo who lives in his igloo, but other than that there is no sign of human habitation anywhere. No roads. No buildings. No McDonalds. I don't think that there has ever been a country that has sucked as bad as Canada.

Do you know how I know Canada sucks? Because Britain just gave them their independance. There wasn't a fight or an argument or even a bloodless coup. Britain just gave them away because Canada had no use. The worst part is that Canada didn't become fully independant until 1982 and it took them over 120 years to get there. How sad is that? Canada is like the 35 year old man who still lives with his mother: "Mommy! Can you govern my people for me?? I want to sit on the couch and watch my soap operas!"

You know why Britain didn't want Canada? Because it is beyond cold there. If you think it gets cold where you live, then you are sorely mistaken. I live like 15 minutes from Canada and it gets pretty cold here, but once you cross the border, the temperature drops about 50 extra degrees. There is a simple reason for this phenomena: Canada thinks she is cool because she doesn't participate in the Global Warming trend. She's like, "Save the environment!" and, "Go Kyoto Protocol!" You know what Canada? You can't pull off that I-am-cool-because-I-don't-conform attitude. It just makes you look like a bunch of hippie freaks. You should probably go pump some carbon dioxide into the air and destroy some forests now if you want to salvage your image.

Also, did you ever notice that Canada and Communism both begin with the letter "C"? It's not any mere coincidence. What is this unified health care bull shit? That sounds pretty fishy to me. What's next? No currency? 5 year plans? I know that unified health care is a socialist aspect, but I still don't trust it because it goes against nature. Unified health care pretty much destroys the good old American concept of Social Darwinism that has worked magnificently for us. Except for you Indians and Blacks. And Women. And pretty much all non-white, non-males. So, yeah. Social Darwinism has worked wonders for the white American male. Oh wait, except for those of you in economically underprivileged areas, but I swear that's it. It's been a great 230 years for you rich, white, American males and I don't want those Communist Canadians to take that away!

Further more, Canada, the second largest nation in the world, is not pulling it's weight in the War on Terror. They only have like a thousand troops, maximum, fighting in this war. That's it! Canada owes us more than a thousand troops. We are like their big brother. We protect them from everyone. When a nation picks on Canada behind their back, we give that nation a metaphorical bitchslap. Canada should pass a law that requires everyone of it's citizens to serve 10 years in our military. Not only would that help us win the war on terror, but it would also make Canada a little less of nation full of pansies. Wait, no. On second thought, it would just help with the war effort.

There are really only two good things that have ever come from Canada. Ever. Those are hockey and music. Hockey doesn't count, though, because the Americans are better at it than the Canadians. Plus, I am pretty sure that Canada invented hockey by accident. I think some eskimo was using a stick to balance himself on an ice-patch and accidently hit a rock into his igloo. That's how hockey started. Music doesn't count either because since it's so cold up there, pretty much all there is to do is play music. In fact, there should be even more good music that comes from Canada since it is so cold. But once again Canada just can't keep up.

Lastly, I would like to point out that I am the only person ever to make fun of Canada without making an "Eh?" reference. Pretty cool, eh?