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Friday, April 14, 2006

Blogs are Bad

So I was looking in the phone book for the number of a friend and you will never guess the name that I saw in there:

Irwin McQueer

I am not even joking. That was the guys name. Can you imagine going through life with that name? Seriously, who names their son Irwin? He must get all sorts of prank calls and stuff:

"Hey... um... this is the Zoo calling. We have a crocadile on the loose and um... we were wondering if you could come catch it! You know, being the crocodile hunter and all."

And I bet when he was a little kid in school people probably always called him "Irloser." That would be horrible. I feel bad for him. If I were him I would change my name to something less vulnerable to jokes like Gaylord or Enrique.

Enrique McQueer! It just rolls of the tongue!

So, anyway, now that that's out of the way:

Here's a list of reasons why I hate blogs:

1.) Anyone can say anything they want.

Have you seen some of the blogs out there? There are pretty much two kinds: the insanely boring and the overly offending. Here's an example of the first kind:

"OKAY. I know its been like forever since my last update and you guyz must be getting mad at me saying like 'what has she been doing? She hasn't updated her blog in 2 days! I hope she isn't dead or something like that!!!1!!!1' but its okay because I didn't die because well if I did i wouldn't be writing this right? so anyways I was at my grandmas this past weekend and that is like why i didn't update okay. I had a good time at my grandmas because she has a cat and i like to play with it and stuff and she likes to feed me lots of food. So i ate food and played with my cat. Then I sat on the couch and watched a 6 hour marathon of leguna beach. IT WAS A-MAZING!! kristin and lauren gott in a fight and then steph broke up with josh but they got back together aftre the fireworks but the n josh cheated on her with kristin and they broke up again. so after laguna beech i went to play with my cat again but i couldn't find her and i looked and looked but couldnt find her anywhere so i took out my flashlight and went outside looking arounf dor her in the dark 4 like 4ever. and then i still couldn't find her so i went to bad all crying and stuff. then in the morning i got out of bed and took a shower and got dressed and ate breakfast and brushed my teeth and brushed my hair and put my socks on and put my shoos on and got an umbrella and opened the door and went and looked 4 my cat in the rain and i still couldn't found her and i went home and put my umbrella away and took my shooes of and changed my socks and dried off and changed clothes and did some laundry and then i found my cat! She was in my bed all along!! LOLZERS!!!11one!1!! and that was my awesome weekend at my grandmas!"

If I have to explain to you why that kind of blog is bad, then you probably write in one every single day and you should be impaled on a rusty spike. The second kind of blog is so offensive that I don't even dare put an example on here for the fear of angering my would-be-assassin. I can tell you the subjects of some of these blogs, though. For example, I have seen blogs with the audacity to make fun of our great president, George W. Bush, and the rest of our honorable government. I have also seen blogs advocating genocide, promoting heresy, and supporting the legalization of prostitution! The nerve of some of these people! How they sleep at night, I will never know!

2.) The good blogs provide too much competition for the mainstream entertainment industry.

Reason number two is a very important one. For years now Hollywood has been able to throw together a quick movie with no real plot and horrible acting and then make millions of dollars selling the movie to a nation full of sheep. They tell the sheep that a movie with 2 gay cowboys is a great movie, even if it has a shitty storyline, and the sheep believe them.

But, now, blogs are ruining that! Now, some regular old joe can go write an amazingly entertaining story and instantly release it to the masses... FOR FREE! How is Hollywood supposed to compete with that?? Even if they stopped making horrible movies and books, they still couldn't sell them for nothing! If you were a sheep, would you want to go read a hilarious story about a teacher of special ed children or go pay $10 to see two gay cowboys kiss each other for two hours? That's what I thought.

3.) They provide for a way to separate one's self from the troubles in their life.

People often write in blogs to get away from the world around them. I once knew someone who had a sick grandmother who was going to die. She wrote in her blog and it made her feel better because it let her think about something else besides the horrible pain her grandmother was suffering. Writing in her blog helped her cope. Then her grandmother died. And she wrote in her blog and got her mind away from it. She continued to use her blog as a way to help her through life for a long time. Everything seemed good for a while. She lived a happy life and didn't have any worries.

65 years later and she is in an insane asylum. She got arthritus and couldn't type anymore. She didn't know how to deal with her problems and made like Jack Nicholson in the Shining. So before you start writing in a blog or even start reading a blog, ask yourself this question:

Do I want to go on a killing spree when I am 80 years old and end up spending the rest of my life surrounded by soft white padding?

4.) They are a useful means of exchanging information.

Don't even get me started on information. The information explosion in this nation is what is sending us down the toilet. It impedes our success in the war on terror; sorry, I mean The Long War. Information is the wepeon of the enemy.

5.) Blogs give people a false sense of importance to the world.

When someone writes in a blog it makes them think that people care what they say. Nobody cares about what you think about President Bush. Nobody cares that you went to your grandma's house and nobody cares about your god-damned cat.

If all these people that run blogs think that people care about their opinions, they might begin to think that they matter. But, they don't matter. They are all a bunch of McQueers, if you ask me and they should probably go eat some raw cow genitals. The world doesn't need them and would be a lot better off without them.

So what should you do? Obviously, you can't keep reading these worthless wastes of space. I hereby call for a boycott of all blogs. Just stop. Tell all your friends to stop reading and posting in blogs. Let's make our voices heard and stop letting people let their worthless voices be heard on blogs. This could become a revolution-- a revolution to stop blogs. But we must be organized. We must have a center of operations. We must have a place to monitor our progress. So, check back here regularly to see announcements and news on our progress in the revolution.