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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

My First Hate Mail!!

Okay. So, This was actually a comment on my last entry, but I have all the comments emailed to me. So, I am counting this as hate mail and it has made my week! This masterpiece was sent to me by Ssssteve, who actually has his own blog here. So without any further ado, here is the first (and hopefully not the last) piece of mail from a dense, hypocritical, mongoloid who has no idea what he is talking about. As Walter Sobchak would say, "You are out of your fucking element, Ssssteve."

"He doesn't need to inform you that he shot someone. Did they wait 24 hrs to get him medical attention? Nope. The only people that needed to be told were the authorities and this guys family. And last I checked you were neither. And neither was I. Vice president Cheney did nothing wrong and he is not screwing up this country! He is the vice president Get over it! And the part you wrote on Christianity was wrong and you should be ashamed. Stop painting every one with a broad brush. I don't sexually assault little boys. No one in the church I go to has either. My dad is the pastor he has not sexually abused any one. And I am not for the Death Penalty, there is another spot where your wrong. Should someone pay for the crimes they commit? Why yes! Should we take a life for a life? No. Is there provision in the Bible for defending your country? I believe so. Keep trying though."

I have bolded everything that is wrong with what you said. I feel that this graphic representation really attests to your lack of general intelligence. First, let's start with this part:

The only people that needed to be told were the authorities and this guys family.

I have a quick question for you ssssteve. You realize that this is the Vice-President of The United States of America we are talking about here, right? He is a pretty important person, you know? And you realize that he SHOT A MAN IN THE FACE AND HEART, right? Where I come from, that is pretty big news. He is obligated to tell the press, his superior, and the American people. That is why everyone was so mad that he waited 24 hours to tell anybody about the incident. The delay made it look like he was trying to cover it up.

Vice president Cheney did nothing wrong

Let me repeat something because I don't think it sunk in: DICK CHENEY SHOT SOMEBODY IN THE FACE AND HEART! What kind of Christian are you??? How do you get off saying Dick Cheney did nothing wrong when he, himself, says that he did something wrong? Are you really that dense?

Do you wanna know what it feels like to get shot in the face? Okay. Here's what you do. Heat up a wire hanger until it is bright orange. Now hold it to your face. You feel that burning sensation? Now imagine that all over your face and chest for several hours straight.

he is not screwing up this country!

In order to give this part what it deserves I would have to devote 2 to 3 pages to it, but I don't want to do that. Instead, I will offer you a few facts:

Cheney advocated a loophole in a piece of anti-torture legislation.

When Bush-Cheney were elected to office there was a $236.4 Billion surplus. In 2004, the trade deficit was over $600 billion. How do you blow almost a trillion dollars in only 5 years?

Cheney was the root of the cause in the CIA leak of Valerie Plume's Identity

Cheny played a big role in sending this nation to war on false pretenses.

The list goes on, but I do not wish for this to be too long. Next:

And the part you wrote on Christianity was wrong and you should be ashamed.

Let me ask you another question Ssssteve: Do you know what satire is? I have a feeling you don't. From what I can tell, you are most likely a man in his mid-30s who is in a failing marriage, but is so blind to the fact that they routinely watch Desparate Housewives alone while your wife goes out to the local bar to pick-up her next southern yokel to fulfill her nymphomanian desires. So I will enlighten you. Satire is a work that blends a critical attitude with humor and wit as well as with the intention of improving human institutions or humanity. While I admit that I am no Jonathan Swift, surely you can see the point of my piece on christianity and religion in general. I wrote it in order to let everybody know that every single Christian molests small boys. Not only that, but, also I felt like it was my duty to tell people that the real Pope is not named Benedict, but is actually Michael Jackson. The world has a right to know Ssssteve.

I don't sexually assault little boys.

If you don't sexually assault little boys, then you aren't a true Christian. Then again, I can only assume that the extra S's in your name are there because of your homosexual lisp. So, perhaps this statement was a lie and you really are a true Christian.

No one in the church I go to has either.

How do you know???

My dad is the pastor he has not sexually abused any one.

So, according to the hierarchy, your dad must just be a deacon then, right? Next time you see him ask him if he has acted on any of those impure thoughts about little Timmy yet, ok??

And I am not for the Death Penalty, there is another spot where your wrong.

When did I ever say you, in particular, were for the death penalty? One of the reasons why what I wrote is humorous is because it is a completely outrageous generalization. I know that not all Christians are for the death penalty. Some of those child-raping, nation-building, jew-killing bastards know that the death penalty is like letting a criminal off the hook. All of those Christians believe that the criminals should rot in jail for life.

Just so you know, I didn't only make generalizations about the Christian religion either. I made generalizations about the other ones too. For example, "If they [Hindus] see a cow then they kill it, rape it, and eat it raw." I know that some Hindus like their cows cooked medium-well, but if I said that, then it would lose its comedic value.

Should we take a life for a life? No.

Damn straight we should take a life for a life. And we should take a shot in the face for a shot in the face too! The correct thing for Cheney to do would be to tell his friend to shoot him in the face. That would show his dedication for the philosophy he has used in the war on terror. The terrorists killed Americans and we will kill terrorists! Cheney shoots someone in the face and he gets shot in the face! In fact, if Cheney does not get shot in the face, then the terrorists win!

Is there provision in the Bible for defending your country? I believe so. Keep trying though.

Who the hell cares if there is a provision in a story written 2000 years ago for defending your country. Since when should a fictional story govern America's foreign policy?? You are an idiot.

Ssssteve, what you wrote, although unintentionally entertaining, made you look like a mildly retarded jackolope. Feel free to send me some more hate mail though because I could always use some more material for my website. That goes for anyone else as well.

Monday, February 13, 2006

Dick Cheney Shoots A Guy... All By Himself!!

Okay... I read the other day that Dick Cheney shot a fellow hunter over the weekend and I laughed. Dick actually shot someone for once instead of sending thousands of American citizens overseas to do it for him! Then I read that they waited 24 hours to tell anybody... and I said to myself, "Eh... What's new?" Then I read this. The White House is now saying that Cheney is not at fault for shooting the hunter and it is actually the hunter who got shot's fault. Let's see here... shifting the blame... where have I seen that before?


New Orleans.

The economy.

Carlos Mencia getting his own show on Comedy Central... well, I guess that really wasn't thier fault, but I still hate that fat idiot.

So what happened Cheney, did he jump in front of your gun??

Did he look like a quail?

Did he tell you to shoot him?

Were you jealous of everybody else getting to shoot them some terrorists up in the Middle East???

Hey you, Dick! I decided to put my MS Paint skills to good use and help you out a little for the next time you go hunting:

Seriously, though, how do you justify shooting a person instead of a bird. It's not that hard to tell the difference between the two. Oh, what's that you say? You got the bird? Oh well that makes it all okay! He got the bird, too!! What a relief! Now you have something to eat while you ruin America!

Monday, February 06, 2006

The Real Reason President Bush is Invading the Middle East

We have all heard the myriad of different reasons for the invasion of the Middle East from both sides: WMD's, Terrorists, Toppling Oppressive Regimes, Spreading Democracy, Oil. I am here to tell you that each and every one of these reasons is incorrect. The real reason that President Bush is invading all these nations is actually a much more benevolent reason than these. President Bush intends to turn the entire Middle East into a giant likeness of himself as a reminder to the terrorists that we are always watching and to remind the citizens of the world that we are protecting them.

The Bush Administration does not yet want to release this information for obvious reasons. They need to get a better start on it so people can see their artistic vision. So far, we have Afghanistan and Iraq, but after operation Iranian Freedom is accomplished the White House will be able to get under way with the constructon of the likeness.

The construction is supposed to take at least 800 trillion gallons of paint, 50 billion tons of concrete, and 100 quadrillion florescent lights in order to make the replica viewable from space even at night. It is expected to need the manpower of 10 million soldiers to be completed over the course of 10 years. President Bush has said in writing to only his closest of colleagues, "I want you too know that never in the history of the world has there ever been anything like this of this magnitude attempted. This shows the true might and power of America. It will show our enemies that we know how to take full advantage of our might and power in order to smite them."

In the response to his letter, one of his colleagues said, "Mr. Bush, how are you going to make sure that this project is completed if you are going to be leaving office in about 1000 days?"

Bush simply replied in a short letter, "Oh, don't be too sure about that number! I have some tricks up my sleeve! Don't you go misunderestimating my power! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh! Heh!"

Bush not only hopes to strike terror into the hearts of the terrorists, but also hopes to raise his approval rating both home and abroad. This project will show his committment to the war on terror and to the nation. Also, by doing a project of this magnitude on foreign soil, there are no fears of the rest of the world being jealous. Bush also hopes to gain the support of environmentalists by putting a little bit of himself on this wonderful planet.

One group of people that definitely are 100% behind Bush in this action is the artistic community of the US. Let's face it: the quality of art in the world has been on a downhill slide since the Renaissance. This could give it the shot of adrenaline that it needs. Hell, it might even start a new trend in the art community! Who knows? Maybe in a few years Australia will be a giant bust of Arnold Schwarzenegger!