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Saturday, December 17, 2005

A Cleansing of Society... Why, That Could Be Fun!!

I just recently watched Hotel Rwanda and I have to say that I am mighty impressed. Those Hutus really know how to exterminate an unwanted group of ethnic cockroaches!! Seriously, they killed almost a million Tutsis in like 4 months. That is impressive.

This movie also got me thinking. The cure for all of America's problems is genocide. Look how well it worked out for Germany! They had an ethnic cleansing and now they are hosting World Cup 2006! So, lets quit wasting time and get this cleansing started. Gregory Stanton, of Genocide Watch, has graciously provided an 8-step plan for a Do-It-Yourself Genocide (and other forms of mass-murder).

Step 1: Classification

In this step we must decide who we are going to cleanse out of society. We need a group of people that are different from the rest of us. We can't use religion; that's been used too many times. We can't use ethnicity either because we've got too many of them. Political ideologies are out too; the major ones are too big and the others are too small. Hmmm.... How about fat people?? They are always eating all of our food and being annoying. Plus, the whole world makes fun of America for being so morbidly obese.

Gregory Stanton says that the main focus of this step is to divide the nation into "us and them," with "them" being the fat people. For this particular genocide, classification is relatively easy because of the visual difference. Everyone can see who the fat people are right away. This gives us an advantage compared to other genocides, like the Holocaust, where people could pretend not to be "them."

Stanton also warns us of detriments to be careful of. He says to be aware of "universalistic institutions that transcend... divisions." These institutions will wipe out that feeling of "us and them." So, make sure to annihilate any of these. Now we are ready for step 2.

Step 2: Symbolization

In this step symbols are forced upon the group of people and also hate speeches would be given. For example, in the Holocaust Jews were forced to wear yellow stars of David. For our cleansing, I believe that this would be a good symbol:

Step 3: Dehumanization

This is an important step because, as Stanton states, "Dehumanization overcomes the normal human revulsion against murder." If we make people feel like fat people aren't human, than killing a fat person isn't murder. A good way to do this is to nickname the group that you are cleansing out of society. In Hotel Rwanda the Tutsis were called cockroaches. This nickname worked wonders in their cleansing. It was catchy. It just rolled off your tongue. Tutsi Cockroaches. We need something similar for our cleansing. How about Lardass Pigs. It's not quite as catchy, but it will do.

Step 4: Organization

This is the biggest step: the leap from talking the talk to walking the walk. If we are going to cleanse the nation of these Lardass Pigs then we need to mobilize. We need an armed militia with an awesome name like the Bacon Eaters. It sounds good and it's also symbolic. We need to start training camps and infiltrate the highest ranks of the government.

We're halfway there. We have almost cleansed the fat outta this nation.

Step 5: Polarization

In this step we have to make sure we have everyone on our side. We have to further the dehumanization in step 3. We have to create a divide between those Lardass Pigs and the rest of the people. The best way to do this is through propaganda and hate speeches. Tell people that the reason the world hates the US is because the Lardass Pigs give us a bad name. Blame everything on the fatties. Gas prices, pollution, terrorists, death, Hurricane Katrina, Carrot Top, everything is the fault of those Lardass Pigs.

This step is best achieved through mass-communication efforts like television and radio shows, but word of mouth can work well too. Once we are this far it's almost impossible to stop us. Start the fire cause we're going have pork chops!

Step 6: Identification

We are organized now and we have the support of the government. Efficiency is the most important part of the game now. The Lardass Pigs are all wearing their Golden Arches, so they are easy to spot. Well, I guess they were easy to spot in the first place. Now, we have to move them all to central locations, "Weightloss Camps" if you will. We play it safe and make these camps seem like the real deal for a while and when they least expect it, we start.

Step 7: Extermination

Exterminate them quickly and quietly. There are several ways that range from gas and ovens, to drowning. You can even force them to kill themselves. Be creative! "My favorite form of extermination includes a bull, whipped cream, and a pair of tweezers!" says Gregory Stanton, "I don't think I have to explain to you what to do with those!!"

Step 8: Denial

I don't know what you are talking about. Those people died of obesity. Really, they did. No, those are not charred corpses. They are... uhh... left overs. Their leftovers from a barbecue; I guess I cooked too many well-done steaks. See I will even have a bite! MMMMMMM! Yummmy!

So, there you have it. The 8-Step plan to having your own genocide. If we hurry, then we might be able to host World Cup 2014!

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


I have found that a lot of people are not very informed on religion. So, I have taken the liberty of compiling a list of most of the major religions in existence. If your religion isn't on this list, then it's not worth believing in.


Christianity is the world's oldest religion. It was founded at the beginning of time around 5000 years ago after Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny defeated the dinosaurs in the most epic battle ever to take place on Earth. Every year the people celebrate the birthdays of these two messiahs by giving each other presents and chocolate bunnies. The main philosophy of the Christian religion is "an eye (or maybe even two eyes) for an eye" This would explain why they support the death penalty. Some other Christian practices include:

-Screwing your neighbor
-Promiscuous Gay Sex
-Building Nations
-and Making people cry on live television

Christianity has a strict hierarchical system for their divinity that is based on child molested.


Deacons are at the bottom of the pack. They have only had impure thoughts, but haven't acted upon them.


Priests have reached third base, but they are still virgins. They haven't worked up the courage to call the pretty one into the rectory yet.


Do you lose your virginity even if it never went off?


archbishops are not virgins, but they aren't very experienced. There are a lot of mishaps and a lot of "owe! Don't do that!"s when the archbishops do their job.


Cardinals are the cream of the crop. They can have multiple relationships at once and not even mess up. They are experienced and confident.

The Pope:


Islam began on February 25, 1964 when Muhammad Ali knocked out Sonny listen and gained the title of King of the World. It ended in 1982 when Ali was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease in 1982. In its 18 years, though, it was a very popular religion. Some practices of this religion include:

-Praying 5 times a day while facing the Holy City of Louisville, Kentucky: Ali's birthplace.
-Holding Hands
-and Crashing Planes into Buildings

An interesting fact about followers of Islam is that they communicate by shrieking. This shrieks, or ululations, are not only a secret language, but they also can brainwash non-muslims. Since the Islam religion ended in 1982 you don't have too much to worry about, but there are still many Muslims left in the world. I have heard many horror stories of people being brainwashed into liking Kelly Clarkson and Good Charlotte.


Judaism started in the year 2004 shortly after the movie Passion of the Christ came out. The Jews are an angry group of people who killed Mel Gibson because they were jealous of his good looks. They pretty much copied the Christians, but there are two major differences:

  1. The Jews are descendants of the people who were on the side of the dinosaurs during the most epic battle to take place on Earth. So, they don't celebrate the birthday of Santa Clause or the Easter Bunny.
  2. The Jews would lose to the Christians in a Bible fight because the Jewish Bible sucks.

From the beginning of their religion, everyone has picked on the Jews because of their small Bible. They have been chased around the globe by an angry mob of Christians throwing bigger and better Bibles at them. They can't find a safe home. During the Biblecaust 6 million Jews died of Bible related injuries.


Buddhism is a religion that was founded by Siddhartha Gautama, or Buddha. One day Sid was at the local stripclub with his friends and they decided to have a contest to see who could eat the most food. So, long story short, Sid was the last person to vomit and thus we have Buddhism's catch phrase: "Be like Buddha; eat a lot of fooda!"

Buddhism has two main teachings:

-The Four Noble Truths
- and The Eightfold Path (It was going to be Tenfold, but Buddha got winded and had to sit down)

The Four Noble Truths are:

  1. Life is full of hunger.
  2. The cause of this hunger is ignorance.
  3. There is an end of hunger, it is called Fullness.
  4. The way to end hunger is to follow the Eightfold Path

The Eightfold Path is:

  1. Understand your food.
  2. Think about what food you want.
  3. Speak to your food.
  4. Act in a manner to obtain your food.
  5. Eat food that will keep your livelihood up.
  6. Put some effort into making good food.
  7. Be mindful about what you eat.
  8. Concentrate when the food you ate comes back out.

If you follow these teachings, then you can become full like Buddha. If you are having trouble staying on the path, there is a Taco Bell right next to Step #2.


Hindus are a peaceful people that live entirely off of the cow. They do this because according to their religion, cows are an evil animal that are slowly trying to take over humans. If they see a cow then they kill it, rape it, and eat it raw. That is the only way to make sure that it won't rise from the dead as a zombie cow. They save the cow's genitals, though, and those are used in the annual Cow Genital Fight. This is much like a food fight, except with cow genitals. However, if someone throws cow genitals at you and you catch them, then that person is your slave.

According to Hinduism, there are four objectives to life:

  1. To pleasure thyself as much as possible
  2. To get as much wealth as you can
  3. To get revenge on anyone that has ever wronged you
  4. and, To go to heaven and win the arm wrestling tournament that all the Gods participate in.

That's about all there is to Hinduism...


Scientology is probably the most credible and believable religion ever made. It was definitely NOT made on a bet by L Ron Hubbard in 1952. It is definitely NOT a cult. It definitely is a NON-profit organization. They definitely did NOT blackmail the IRS into making it so they didn't have to pay taxes.

Scientologists have categorically proven that Psychology and Psychiatry KILL PEOPLE! ALL PSYCHOLOGISTS AND PSYCHIATRISTS ARE MURDERERS!!! The psychiatrists and psychologists are responsible for World War I, Hitler and Stalin's reign, lack of education of students in the US, wars in Bosnia and Kosovo, 9/11, world hunger, the Backstreet Boys, and the Apocalypse.

Please don't sue me.


Alcoholism is probably the second oldest religion. After all the dinosaurs died there was an enormous party. There was a big split in the Christian religion between those who just wanted to keep partying and the pussies. The Alcoholists have monthly meetings where they brag about how drunk they got. Alcoholists have a few different practices including:

  1. Puking
  2. Blacking out
  3. and, Drunken Sex

Alcoholism is actually compatible with the next religion.


Fatism is a religion that is closely related to Buddhism, however Fatists do not follow the Eightfold Path. They take this religion to the max by eating whatever they can get their hands on. Fatism is actually the most abundant religion in the United States. They have several different sects including: McDonaldism, Burger Monarchism, Arbyism, and many more. This religion involves lots of couchsitting. They have one God who is pictured below:


Atheists are just too afraid to believe in something. They suck.

Monday, December 12, 2005

It is my constitutional right to whore myself out to whoever wants me...

Prostitution is generally not looked upon as a dignified profession. In fact, for all the love it makes, it is probably one of the most demonized professions in our nation. It's just ahead of the repo man and just behind Commander and Chief, but what is so bad about it? America is a nation founded in capitalism: selling your goods and services to the highest bidder. Whether it be selling my skills as a sensual masseuse or selling my skills as a sex connaisseur, it is constitutional right to be allowed whore myself out to any woman that wants me... except the fat ones.

One may ask: But, where in the constitution does it say, "Sean can whore himself out to any woman that wants him, except for fatties."? It doesn't. However, The Declaration of Independance did say that I have the right to pursuit of happiness as long as my happiness doesn't interfere with other people's pursuit of happiness. By selling myself to willing customers I am not only pursuing my happiness, I am also helping others be happy as well. Also included in the constitution, under the necessary and proper clause, is the right to privacy. What a paying customer and I do together is not the governments business. So, they can just leave us the fuck alone.

What people dislike about prostitution is that it is morally wrong. It's not right to change "making love" into "making money" because it detaches the emotional intimacy from rocking the casba. Well here's a neat fact: the government has no place in deciding matters of morality. Morality is a decision that is supposed to be made by the individual, not something that is forced upon the masses by the government. You can't say that the morality of the majority should be forced upon the masses either. Each individual has the right too and must develop his own moral values or else they will become mindless zombies controlled by society or the government. The government has no right to tell it's citizens that prostitution is morally wrong. The citizens must decide for themselves if something is morally wrong to them and then they must decide whether or not they will partake in it anyway.

Legalizing prostitution will also be good for America. According to The Highest Paying Customers: Americas Cities and The Cost of Prostitution Control by Julie Pearl, the average cost of the trial and arrest of a person convicted of prostitution is $2000. The average city spends $7.5 million on prostitution control and New York City spends $23 million. Not only will a lot of money be saved, but also states would be able to take a portion of the revenue that comes from the prostitution business by charging an excise tax on the services of a prostitute. We can use this money in a veriety of different ways including education, infrastrucure, and medical research.

By legalizing prostitution and putting it partially under the control of the government, other major problems people have with prostitution would be solved. One problem people have with prostitution is that it can infect decent neighborhoods with immorality, but if government-controlled brothel was set up discreetly in a non-residential area this problem would be solved. Violence and mistreatment against street prostitutes would be lessened too because the clients would be able to be identified if needed. If prostitutes had to be liscenced and checked for STDs along with clients being checked then the chance of spreading an STD would be zero.

Overall, it just makes more sense to legalize prostitution. Let an individual decide for himself if it is wrong or right. Many people feel that prostitution is their only way to make a decent living and it makes them feel good about themselves. Why should we not allow them to live happily? Why shouldn't we make their profession safer and more profitable for everybody? Why should we infringe upon my inalienable right to whore myself to any woman that wants me? Except the fat ones.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

This is my waste of time and space.

Well, this is my website. I will update everynow and then when I have an opinion that I would like to share or a story that I want to tell.